All You Need To Say

So a lot of people just don't know what to say to me, so I figured I would help everyone out. The OB/GYN Doctor that I was seeing up until the birth of Emilyn and Hailey called and talked to me last night, and he had the perfect response so I'll share it with you with a little background. I've been seeing this Doctor for the past year, with on average about one appointment a month, sometimes more. We had been dealing with fertility issues and then my pregnancy with Emilyn and Hailey, so we "knew" eachother pretty well, at least as much as a doctor and patient can know eachother. I was supposed to be medevac'd off island at 24 weeks to give birth in a place that has a NICU, and at my last happy appointment about four days before they were born everything was fine, but he realized it would be the last time he saw me and said he wouldn't even be able to be there for the birth and see the girls after all that work he put in. So I promised him pictures of the girls, not the birth (lol!). We never thought it would be so soon. Four days later I went into labor, but he still wasn't able to be there because he had just left for vacation. Thankfully God knew just what I needed and gave me another wonderful doctor that took great care of me and explained everything that was happening and everything that may happen. So at my appointment yesterday I brought a packet for my original Doctor. I had my favorite pictures of the girls and a description of their little personalities, my little kickboxer and ballerina, their birth/passing announcement, and memorial service program. I didn't see him that day, but he called me that night. This was his response...

"I'm sorry, I don't have words, it just sucks"

it made me laugh (on the inside), it was so him and it was perfect. That is all that I need. So if you don't know what to say but want to say something, that's all I need to hear, "i'm sorry, i don't have the words, and it just sucks" because yeah, it does suck and thank you for saying you're sorry to hear about them. I would rather you say that, than the first thing that pops into your mind and have it be hurtful. Believe me, I've gotten my fair share of hurtful comments even though the people don't mean them to be, they mean the best but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Anyway, I had my six week follow up appointment yesterday with the doctor that delivered Emilyn and Hailey. She cleared me for all activity, with no limitations. So scuba diving here I come! We gotta get my mom diving sometime!

How Can I Have a Memorial Service? Because They Are My Daughters

I have been told that I am brave for going through with a memorial for Emilyn and Hailey. My question to those who tell me that is how can I not have a memorial? They are my daughters, and deserve to be remembered whether I am comfortable with it or not. I would rather not have to do this, but it is something that I want to do to honor them. Whether they lived only in my belly, only for a couple of hours outside my belly or for ten years they are still my daughters and they lived. They lived in my belly for five whole months, and they already had their own personalities. I figure my Emilyn Elisabeth was always twisting and turning, she was going to be a ballerina and such a little girly girl! Then there was my sweet Hailey Grace that was always kicking and punching, she was going to be my little kickboxing champion and a tomboy just like her Momma was! Then they were born and they were such fighters. Emilyn lived outside my belly for 1 hour 1 minute, and even moved a little to turn her head to Mommy and Daddy! Hailey Grace, born an hour and three minutes after Emilyn, lived outside my belly for 1 hour 59 minutes and even took a deep breath so Mommy and Daddy could see! So you see, my daughters lived, for five months in my belly, though only a few hours outside. How can I not have a memorial? It's not that I am brave, it's just something that has to be done because it is what they deserve. Following are a couple of poems that I will have laid out at their memorial service later today.

Twin Angels

Last night two little angels
Came and whispered in my ear.
And this is what they told me
"Don't worry Mummy, we're right here.
It feels like a long time
Since we last felt your touch.
And we wanted you to know
We miss you and Daddy so very much.
We know that you love us
and think of us every day.
And it makes us very sad
that we had to go away.
But we know that our memory
will never ever die.
And we know that sometimes
when you think of us you cry.
But don't worry Mummy
There's so much here to do.
And every day remember
We are watching over you."
Then my angels kissed me
As tears rolled down my face.
And I knew we'll all be together again
Another time. Another place.

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be “goodbye.”
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realized God loves children… Angels are hard to find.


This poem is one that I found on the website of another mom who lost her sweet angel girls a few months before me. It is one that went along with what was going through my mind after some reactions I received when I told people that I lost my daughters.

Don't Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my girls are in a better place,
Though it is true, I want them here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear their voice, see their face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact they are gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say their names,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

My Little Angel Girls

Born Too Soon....

Where do I start? I guess where I left off last on my last post. On Thanksgiving day I had about 3 contractions, they were 2-3 hours apart and not painful. That pattern of having one contraction every two or three hours continued on into Friday and also Saturday. Those two days I put myself on semi-bed rest just to be sure, and things did not pick up. On Sunday I called the Mother Baby Unit to confirm my suspicion that they were just Braxton Hicks contractions and that I was fine unless they got more frequent and that I didn’t need to be on bed rest yet. They agreed with me and told me as long as the contractions don’t pick up I was fine and I could go out and do my usual routine. We went out to lunch, and while out for that 15 minutes I had about 4 contractions that were a little uncomfortable but not painful. We went directly home, and as instructed I laid down on my left side and drank some water. The next hour I only had 3 then the next hour only 2 so they were going away. After that I didn’t have any for several hours. At 5 pm I started having one contraction every ten minutes and they were hurting. I decided that I wasn’t going to wait another hour to see if they continue, that I needed to go in. When I got there they did an ultrasound of the girls for their heartbeats and everything looked great, both girls were moving around like crazy and my contractions had slowed way down though they were still slightly hurting. Then the Doctor came in and to examine me and my world came crashing down around me. I was already dilated 4-5 centimeters and Emilyn’s amniotic sac was poking out. They could give me medication and that might stop or slow it down for awhile, but not nearly for long enough to help the babies survive. The age of the possibility of a baby surviving is 24 weeks, and I was three and a half weeks shy, which in a baby’s development is huge. They couldn’t medevac me off island to a place with a higher level of care with the Emilyn’s amniotic sac poking out because the pressure of takeoff could easily rupture it and then have me giving birth mid-air. My only hope was to change my position to take the pressure off of her sac and hope it went back inside, so they admitted me to the hospital, confined me to a bed and moved the bed so that my head was lower than my feet. Even with this my contractions continued and after awhile got more frequent and much stronger. It was official, I was in full blown labor, and my babies were too young to survive, I was losing my little girls and there was nothing I, the Doctors or Nurses could do about it. At 3:25 am our little wiggle worm Emilyn Elisabeth entered this world. I saw her tiny head as they carried her out to clean her up. A few minutes later they brought her back wrapped in a baby blanket with a hat on that was way too big for her little head. She was so tiny and fragile, but she was a fighter. She survived for just over an hour, when they checked for a heartbeat at 4:26 it was gone and she had become an angel in heaven. In that hour that we held her, she moved just a little and turned her head to the left, towards her Mommy and Daddy. Unfortunately in the hour she was with us my labor continued, and our sweet girl and kickboxing champion Hailey Grace entered this world at 4:29 am, shortly after her sister was gone. She was a fighter too and survived for almost two hours. In that two hours we also got to see her move, she tried to take just one breath while we were holding her wrapped in her blankets with her too big hat on, though I’m told they both had tried to breathe at least one breath while being cleaned up. Both girls weighed in at 13 ounces and were 10 7/8 inches long. The hospital let us hold our babies for as long as we needed to say hello, and goodbye. We were able to have them blessed by the hospital chaplain with just us and my nurses in attendance. In our few precious hours with our girls all we could do was hold them, love on them and cry. It seems so wrong that my babies are really gone, they were so healthy. When they were born they were perfectly healthy, they were just born too soon. We have no answer as to why this happened to us, all of my lab tests came back fine, there was no infection or anything. My body just decided that it was time to go into labor even though our little girls weren’t ready. Nothing I could have done differently would have changed anything, nothing could have prevented this because there was no reason for it, just that it was. Saying goodbye to my babies was the hardest thing I have ever done, it just seems so wrong. It was crushing to watch them wheel them both out in their little bassinet. We were able to see them again the next day, they brought them back in tiny caskets, again, so wrong. My babies shouldn’t be in a casket, they should either be still inside me or in a bassinet. Caskets should not have to be made that small. Later that day I was discharged. Walking out of the hospital with empty arms and an empty belly was so hard. All I left with was a memory box for each baby and a folder on grief. My babies were left behind. They were cremated together, they were together inside me for 5 months they needed to be together forever. We have brought them back to Oklahoma for their memorial. We are having it in January 2nd at 2 pm. They will be staying with us though for the time being, until we decide if we want to scatter their ashes, bury them or keep them with us permanently. We have set up a site on the March of Dimes for each girl, the money donated there will help to fund research to fight premature birth. Their sites are posted below. Our only request is that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers through this impossible time.

http://www.marchofdimes.com/prematurity/b_new.asp?band_id=57571

http://www.marchofdimes.com/prematurity/b_new.asp?band_id=57572

Our Family Picture, Stacy is holding Emilyn and Charles is holding Hailey


Our Little Emilyn Elisabeth on the left and our Sweet Hailey Grace on the right

20 Weeks!

Happy Thanksgiving!! Woohoo, I'm halfway through a "normal" pregnancy! Though I'm most likely not going to go full term with the twins. I had an appointment yesterday, when I was 20 weeks and 1 day pregnant and he measured my belly at 26 weeks. So I guess I'm measuring about 6 weeks ahead of most other peoples' pregnancies, should get interesting pretty soon, the babies are going to start running out of room! I've been feeling them kick around a ton and have even felt them kicking with my hand on my belly! Earlier tonight Charles was even able to feel one of the girls kicking since she kept kicking me in the same spot over and over, lol! Only about two and a half more weeks till I get medevac'd off island and one more appointment here!

20 Weeks!


Front View at 20 Weeks


Side View at 20 Weeks

19 Weeks

I had my long ultrasound yesterday that looked at all of the anatomy of both babies. I think it was one of the most uncomfortable things to happen yet! The room was kind of warm, and with my allergy problems that made it kind of hard to breathe, and I had to lay flat on my back with my legs flat too so after awhile of this I got kind of dizzy! I asked to sit up but he had me lay on my left side for a bit and then raised the foot of the bed up. After that he made me stay on my left side, but I was turning my top half to the right because that's where the monitor was! My hips are still hurting from that awkward position I was in! Even though I was uncomfortable it was amazing to see my little babies! They are so much bigger than the last time that I saw them! The babies are currently laying like in a bunk bed, with one on bottom and the one on top up under my ribs. He even had to scan between two of my ribs to get a good look at the head of baby B! We got to see the every little bit of both babies, including all four chambers of the heart, their faces (though we didn't get a really good picture), and a good look at what gender they are! Much to Charles' despair they are both girls! I can see him getting a shotgun in the near future to scare all the little boys away! We have pretty much settled on the names Emilyn Elisabeth and Hailey Grace, though if we find a second family name we like we may change Hailey's middle name. Both babies are weighing in at 11 ounces already, and measuring about 5 days ahead of what they should be at.

Twin B is a Girl!


Twin B Face


Twin A is a Girl!


Twin A Face


This week I have been feeling the babies move more than ever! Today especially they seem like they have been jumping all over. I can't wait until Charles can feel them moving around too! My Doctor turned in my paperwork for my medevac flight off island, so hopefully before too long it'll get approved for me to come back to Oklahoma instead of to Japan and I'll get my flight booked! Though I am being sent off on medevac, since I am not sick or in need of an escort they will just be buying me a commercial ticket back to the states. I can't wait to get back and see my family, especially my new little nephew Sawyer. Since the last post Sawyer was discharged from the hospital and is doing much better now at home with his mom and dad!

19 Weeks!


19 Weeks in my regular clothes!


Cute Pineapple Dresses I couldn't resist buying from the AOSC Gift Shop!

18 Weeks

Today was my last day at work! It was a great last day, mostly because it made me so glad I turned in my notice when I did and now I don't have to deal with all that stuff any more! They seem to think that we can do the job of two nurses almost every day, I think I was the only one that flat out refused to do that, some of the other nurses went ahead and just did it becasue they were told to, I refused to take report and threatened to call the nursing supervisor if it wasn't fixed.....and then they fixed it! While I won't miss all the politics of working at the hospital, I will miss some of my patients, especially the long term ones that I've had a chance to build a relationship with!

On the pregnancy front nothing is really going on. The Doctor is still working on my paperwork, and hopefully he'll have that turned in soon to medevac me off this island in December! If you know me, you know I've been harassing the medevac office every day they've been open this week to see if he's turned it in yet! So I thought I had felt the babies move a few weeks ago, but I'm pretty sure that was just gas now, lol! However, I think there have been a few times this week that I have definitely felt at least one of the babies move and it's crazy! In less than a week I should know if I am having boys, girls or one of each! My ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday, so it will be just in time for me to post in my weekly update, though I suspect I will be calling my parents and in-laws right after I find out! I also found out this week that laughing can really hurt when you're pregnant, especially if you're not in the proper position! I learned really quick last night what the wrong position was! I can't imagine how big and stretched out my belly is going to be in four months, it already feels stretched out and I know I'm not even that big yet! My innie belly button is well on its way to being an outie, it's just a matter of time before it pops out, lol.

18 Weeks


My newphew Sawyer got put in the hospital a couple of nights ago for bronchiolitis. He's doing better than when he was first admitted, they've decreased the amount of oxygen they're having to give him and is oxygen saturations are improving. His chest xray also came out clear, so hopefully he'll be out of the hospital and at home soon! I know my brother Josh and sister in law Lauren are worried sick, so keep them in your thoughts!
Sick Baby Sawyer

17 Weeks

Again, not a whole lot happening this week. I had another Doctor's appointment....fairly short, all he did was check the heart rates which were 140 and 150, and then ask if I had any questions. He is supposed to start working on my medevac paperwork this week, so hopefully it'll all go through soon. We got all of the nursery furniture set up, and bought one mattress tonight, we just have to wait for the BX to get another crib mattress like the one we have! Other than that, everything is pretty much the same!

17 Weeks!


Nursery Furniture