Sunday, February 28, 2010


We have been in Hawaii for a little over a week now. Tomorrow we fly back to Guam. Our time here has been wonderful. I was able to get in many shopping trips to Target, Old Navy and a few malls. We were able to eat at many different restaurants, my favorite being Yardhouse. We were able to visit with good friends from Little Rock and high school. We also went whale watching and saw several whales, they are so big and majestic, so amazing! While Charles attended class I kept myself pretty busy with shopping and a few other things. I hiked up to the top of diamond head and saw a beautiful view of Waikiki. I island hopped over to Maui to meet a new good friend of mine. She is a fellow angel mommy to a beautiful daughter, and recently a mommy to a beautiful son on earth. It was medicine for my soul to meet her and my trip there was the best day of my trip by far. It was so comforting being around someone who understands almost completely everything that I am going through. The next day I met with a maternal fetal medicine doctor, a specialist that we do not have in Guam. She gave her opinions as to what will need to happen when we choose to have another baby to keep me from going into preterm labor again. It helps, just a little, to know that there is a plan in place to keep this from happening again when we decide we are ready for a little brother or sister for Emilyn and Hailey. Charles got out of class a day early so the next day we hiked up to Makapu’u lighthouse and got a beautiful view of the entire eastern part of the island. Everything beautiful in Hawaii reminded me of Emilyn and Hailey. I saw so much of them here, everywhere I went it was so bittersweet, reminded of them constantly made me smile but not being able to share it with them broke my heart. They were watching over me though, and they let me know it from time to time, like the time I saw the twin rainbows.

As my time in Hawaii comes to an end, I find myself dreading the return to Guam, the return to normal. What is my new “normal” life going to be like now? Will I ever feel whole again? How can I mourn them and honor their memory at the same time? How do I continue.....without them in my arms, and only in my heart?

View of Waikiki from the top of Diamond Head

Twin Rainbows Watching Over Us

Lauren, Me and Baby Man Micah in Maui

Us on the Sunset Dinner Cruise

View of Makapu'u Lighthouse

Sunday, February 14, 2010

What Makes a Mother

What Makes a Mother?
Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

A Dream

I never remember dreams, but last night I had one and I remember every little detail about it and will never forget it. Our baby girls came to me last night and today I smile.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I got up and came out to the living room. I started working on my shutterfly photobook for Emilyn and Hailey, up until this point I couldn't bring myself to do it, but I got several pages done and they're perfect. Anyway, I wanted to include the meanings of their names so I looked them up. Emilyn's name is a form of Emmalynn, which is Emma and Lynn combined. One of the meanings of Lynn is waterfall. Emma means one who is complete. Hailey is a form of Hayleigh which means meadow of hay. I finally got tired so I went to sleep and last night I dreamed of getting a tattoo. This isn't something abnormal even though I don't have one yet, I planned on getting one on our vacation to Hawaii. But what I dreamed about getting is different than what I was planning on getting. I dreamed about getting a tattoo of a waterfall, but not a blue waterfall, one that is all the colors of the rainbow. So I picked it out, and told the guy that was what I wanted. He wasn't the tattoo artist but he was getting it ready for her, she was on her way in. He traced it and put the drawing on me to transfer the outline. It was kind of weird becasue it was like he was putting an artificial tattoo on me now that I think of it but not the stick on one. I remember him taking the tattoo gun or whatever you call it and putting all the color in, but it didn't hurt. When he was done I didn't like what he did, it was in the wrong place. He used tape to pull something up, and I yanked it up from one side because I wanted it changed. Just as I did that Amy walked in the door and he was upset he didn't have it fully done. Oh, and I also remember he tried to trace some words on my arm to tattoo, but they were big and bold and I didn't like those either, don't remember what they said though. Amy is the name of the lady I have an appointment with in Hawaii to do my tattoo that I want. So Amy came in, and I got up and went to the bathroom while she prepared everything to do the tattoo. When I sat down I noticed that there was a huge spider in the corner on a web and a little butterfly fluttering around. I watched both. There was also a sign in front of the spider that said "Do Not Kill, Everything Has A Part In This World". The butterfly hit the web and of course got tangled. The spider went over to the butterfly and started trying to tear at it, but to no avail. I watched in horror as the spider then cut open the butterflies neck but couldn't take my eyes away. To add to my horror, I realized that it wasn't a butterfly but a little girl in a butterfly costume and the spider had all but killed her. The next thing I remember is the butterfly girl going over to a meadow of hay and flowers, laying down and dying. I went back out to the tattoo room shaken, and somehow knew that the butterfly girl was Amy's little sister and was afraid to tell her of her sisters death. I gathered up my courage as she started tattooing me and told her of her sisters death. She had no reaction. The other guy that did the first tattoo went into the bathroom to see, and came back and confirmed that Amy's sister was in fact dead. Still no reaction, she didn't say it but I knew what she was thinking, she was thinking that her sister was better off. She had been sick all her life, and was better off in heaven and not suffering anymore than living in this earthly world. Instead of breaking down, she continued on with my waterfall tattoo and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. So both of my girls came to me in my dreams last night. Emilyn with her waterfall tattoo, and Hailey with her meadow of hay and flowers for the dying butterfly girl. My heart is lighter today than it has been since I lost Emilyn and Hailey, I am so glad they came to me finally last night.

After I left my house, I decided that Hailey has a sense of humor as well. I walked outside, and saw a little yellow piece of paper tucked behind our mailbox (it's attached to our wall). Opened it up, and we had gotten a ticket for not mowing our lawn! I walked out and looked at our lawn to see how bad it really was. I swear it wasn't that bad just yesterday, we would have mowed it if it was. It's like it grew overnight! It literally looked like a meadow of hay in our front yard it was so high! I had to laugh, thank you Hailey!

Thank you Emilyn and Hailey for coming to me in my dreams, it makes my heart lighter and puts a smile on my face. Mommy loves you both so much!

Monday, February 1, 2010


My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is,
And because she cant explain,
She will tell a little lie,
Because she cant explain the pain.

Ask My Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth please tell me,
Why does she cry each night?

Ask My Mom how she is.
“I’m fine. I’m well. I’m coping”
For God’s sake Mom, just tell the truth.
Tell them your heart is broken.

She’ll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.

I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don’t listen
Just hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say, “you’re lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you’ve told!”

(Author Unkown)