Three years ago I lost my daughters. There are times that it feels like a distant memory, or even a dream and there are other times, like tonight, that it seems like moments ago. I can remember Dr. Sheldon's voice as she told me that my chances of making it another three weeks and two days to viability were slim to none. I can remember the contractions picking up in intensity until I couldn't take them anymore and requested pain medication and then Molly, my nurse, giving it to me while I was on the phone with my mom and I started slurring my words and couldn't even lift my hand to take the phone off of my ear. I can remember my eyes rolling into the back of my head at the peak of my contractions and the nurse and Charles telling me to breathe because my oxygen saturation kept dropping. And then my water broke and shortly after my sweet Emilyn was born. They whisked her away to clean her up and it seemed to take an eternity for them to bring her back to me. They told me that she may move a little, but I only ever saw one tiny movement out of her. I wish they had just laid her on my chest right after she was born, I often wonder if I would have seen her move more had she been handed to me right away. I cradled her awkwardly as I was still tipped with my head below my feet hoping to keep Hailey in. Hailey was still kicking away inside me, probably disoriented by the sudden increase in the size of her living quarters after Emilyn was born. Every kick was crushing to me, knowing that she was probably going to be born soon and then be still. Forever. I remember shoving Emilyn to Charles as another contraction came on and called the nurse in the same movement and my water with Hailey broke. Charles handed Emilyn to one of the nurses, and she was pronounced dead. Moments later Hailey was born, and again they whisked her away. What I wouldn't have give to have had her handed straight to me in that moment instead. For the next few hours we held our baby girls saying our goodbyes. If I close my eyes I can remember their smell, remember what it felt like to kiss their soft cold noses and to touch their tiny hands. Happy birthday my sweet girls, I love and miss you with all of my heart.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
What he's been up to:
* Visited Little Rock and ate at all the yummy places mom and dad used to love eating at. Also went to the Little Rock zoo, it was hot but really fun!
* Said goodbye to daddy as he left on his first deployment since Elim was born. It was a sad day and we really miss him a lot!
* Ninth tooth broke through on June 7, it was his fourth tooth on the bottom left up front!
* Tenth tooth broke through on June 13th, it was his second molar on the top right. This one was pretty nasty and he had a rough time with it coming through, poor baby.
* Eleventh tooth broke through on June 20th, this one caught us by surprise! It's his bottom right molar which means he's got a matching top and bottom tooth and soon he'll be able to eat a wider variety of things with his new chewing abilities!
* Twelfth tooth broke through on July 10th, his bottom left molar!
*Thirteenth tooth broke through, his upper right canine on July 25th.
* Got his first brain freeze eating baskin robins sherbert! He was none too happy, poor baby.
* Flew to Philadelphia to visit mommy's old friend from Elementary school. We went to many places like the adventure aquarium, Elmwood Park Zoo, Philadelphia zoo, Central Park zoo on a trip up to New York City too! It was a fun little getaway to take our minds off of daddy being gone.
Inside a Teepee at Elmwood Park Zoo!
Fun at the zoo playground!
Playing piano with Mrs. Jaber
First taste of Rita's Water Ice!!
He seemed to like it, the custard at least. Lemonade was the only flavor of water ice he liked
Giving a guy at Arby's the "what are you looking at" look that he perfected on this trip.
Trying to drink a little pool water, it was hot out!
Helping mommy pack!
I just want a little kettle corn!
Giving daddy kisses on Skype
Being traumatized by anti-semitic Elmo in front of the Central Park Zoo
Train ride home with Auntie Kaity!
* Went to his first fourth of July parade in downtown Edmond. We were missing our soldier but had a great time watching all the people and animals in the parade!
His expression after throwing down a pop-its (things that snap when you throw them on the ground)
Is this how you eat corn?
* Peed on the potty for the first time on July 25th! After flushing the toilet he wanted up, so mommy put him up there and told him to go pee pee and he did! Not anywhere near potty training yet, but hey, we'll let him have some fun!
* Traveled to Little Rock and stayed overnight with our old friend from Guam, the Graaks!
Saying bye bye to Grammy before the long road trip!
And we're ready to go!
Saying hi to Dave and Eva Graak
* Traveled to Columbus, Mississippi to visit a fellow angel momma, Katie!! So good to finally meet her after years of talking to her online! We had a blast hanging out at Wally world picking out a crib for her diamond baby, then meeting chickens at her house and the feeding the geese at the state park!
* Traveled to Pensacola Florida to visit another friend from Guam, Dawn and her son Xander! We spent a day at the beach!
What he can do
* Eat with a fork! He's learning how to eat with a fork. He's not perfect and has to improvise sometimes, but he's getting there!
Posted by Stacy at 12:49 PM