Three years

Three years ago I lost my daughters.  There are times that it feels like a distant memory, or even a dream and there are other times, like tonight, that it seems like moments ago.  I can remember Dr. Sheldon's voice as she told me that my chances of making it another three weeks and two days to viability were slim to none.  I can remember the contractions picking up in intensity until I couldn't take them anymore and requested pain medication and then Molly, my nurse, giving it to me while I was on the phone with my mom and I started slurring my words and couldn't even lift my hand to take the phone off of my ear.  I can remember my eyes rolling into the back of my head at the peak of my contractions and the nurse and Charles telling me to breathe because my oxygen saturation kept dropping.  And then my water broke and shortly after my sweet Emilyn was born.  They whisked her away to clean her up and it seemed to take an eternity for them to bring her back to me.  They told me that she may move a little, but I only ever saw one tiny movement out of her.  I wish they had just laid her on my chest right after she was born, I often wonder if I would have seen her move more had she been handed to me right away.  I cradled her awkwardly as I was still tipped with my head below my feet hoping to keep Hailey in.  Hailey was still kicking away inside me, probably disoriented by the sudden increase in the size of her living quarters after Emilyn was born.  Every kick was crushing to me, knowing that she was probably going to be born soon and then be still.  Forever.  I remember shoving Emilyn to Charles as another contraction came on and called the nurse in the same movement and my water with Hailey broke.  Charles handed Emilyn to one of the nurses, and she was pronounced dead.  Moments later Hailey was born, and again they whisked her away.  What I wouldn't have give to have had her handed straight to me in that moment instead.  For the next few hours we held our baby girls saying our goodbyes.  If I close my eyes I can remember their smell, remember what it felt like to kiss their soft cold noses and to touch their tiny hands.  Happy birthday my sweet girls, I love and miss you with all of my heart.