Saturday, January 30, 2010

Two Months in Heaven

My Sweet Emilyn,
Today is your two month birthday, but you are celebrating it in heaven instead of with your mommy and daddy. We miss you so much, and wish you were still here with us. I miss everything about you and what could have been. I can picture what our life would have been together. You were always twisting and turning inside mommy so I think you were going to be my little ballerina. I would gladly have brought you in your little pink leotard and tutu and watch you dance to your little hearts desire. We would pick out the cutest little bows and ribbons to put in your hair, though I'm thinking you would have been a little bald baby until at least two just like your momma. You are the older sister, so please take care of your sister Hailey, and come down to visit me often in my dreams. Momma loves you sweet little girl, and I can't wait until I can meet you in heaven and hold you again.


My Dearest Hailey,
Today you are two months old and celebrating in heaven with your sister. I hope you are both having a big party with your Great Grandpa, he is such a fun guy to be around. You even get to meet you Great Grandma and Grandpa Taylor before me, tell them I said hi and I will meet them someday. Your mommy and daddy miss you so much, we never thought we would be celebrating this day without you. I can see what our life would have been if you had been able to stay, not just as a two month old but what you would have been like in the years to come. You, my little girl, were my little kicker and puncher. I think you were going to be a tomboy, and maybe even a kickboxing champion! You woudl be so much like your mommy. I can see you playing with the bugs, catching the geckos around the house, and climbing any tree with limbs low enough for you to get your arms around. You would keep up with the fastest boys and hit softballs further than anyone else. I would have to bribe you to get any sort of bows in your hair or a dress on your little body. You are my second born child, and I will always love you and remember you. I told Emilyn to try to take care of you since you are the youngest, but I want you to take care of her as well because you are sisters, and that's what sisters do. Mommy loves you my precious little girl, please come down once in a while with your sister to visit me in my dreams. I can't wait to come to heaven to wrap you in my love again, but until then I will settle for visiting you in my dreams.


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My Shoes

My Shoes
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

How You Can Help

For Friends and Family
This list was posted on SHARE by SuzanneMarie, Mom to Christopher on earth, and Hope, Lily, and Jonathan in Heaven. I think she did a great job explaining what it is like to live with the grief of losing a child. For those of you that don't know what you can say or do to help, this is a start.

If someone you know has lost a loved one, you probably have no idea what to do. Our society does not prepare us to deal with grief, our own or someone else's. These suggestions and strategies are intended to help you understand what may be helpful to a grieving person. As Christian brothers and sisters, we have a responsibility to one another, and when one of us grieves, the rest need to act.

Please do not ignore or avoid us. We are grieving a terrible loss and do not want to grieve your absence as well.

If you do not know what to say or do, tell us. I do not know what to say or do. We don't either, but your presence and patience are comforting.

If we start to cry, do not feel like it is your fault for talking to us. We cry a lot and you did not cause our tears. Stay with us while we cry. If we are in public and can't get hold of our tears, take us someplace quiet where we can sit down and then sit with us.

If you get uncomfortable, please do not leave. Grief is just uncomfortable.

If we ask you to help us in some way, please do it if you can. If you can't, please look for someone else who can. It is terribly difficult to ask for help, and if we actually do make a request, we really need it.

If we do not ask for help, ask us, "Can I help you with anything?" If we say no, ask again. If we say no again, don't believe us. Find a close friend who knows us well and inquire about ways to help. . .practical stuff, emotional support, or fun distraction like a trip to the coffee shop may be in order.

Daily responsibilities are nightmare right now, just another stress we can't handle. Show up at our house with a bag of groceries, a vacuum cleaner, tickets to take our children to the fair, or nothing at all. Just show up. While you visit, pop a load of laundry in the washer.

If you only have 30 free minutes, we don't mind. We will appreciate whatever company you can offer us.

Let us talk about our loved one and listen as we tell you stories.

If someone we love has died, do not say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it is. Tell us you are sorry for the death of our child/spouse/parent/sibling/best friend.

If we get mad at you or say something hurtful, please forgive us. The last thing we want to do is hurt someone, especially someone who is willing to be with us. We are just hurting so much and it comes out in inappropriate ways sometimes.

Please accept that we will feel angry, sad, numb, crazy, and many other things. This will make you uncomfortable, but please don't avoid us. We are more uncomfortable than you can imagine right now.

Please send us a card when you learn of our loss.

Send us flowers.

Remember our children (if we have any living with us). When you visit, bring them a small toy, cool rock, or magazine you think they'd like. And if we forget to express our gratitude for your kindness to our child(ren), it is not intentional rudeness. We are truly grateful for your gesture.

If we have miscarried early in pregnancy (before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage, after 20 weeks the baby is considered stillborn), our response will likely fit into a range: we may be saddened at the loss of the pregnancy but accept it as a part of having children, or we may grieve the loss as the death of our child. You can figure out how we feel with a question like, "How are you?" If we begin to sob and say "I miss my baby, " then you know where we're at.

Wherever we are on the scale of grief with miscarriage, send us a card. If we are in the more accepting part of the range, an "I'm thinking of you" card is good. If we are grieving the death of our baby, a sympathy card is appropriate.

Please remember significant dates associated with our loss.
* The anniversary of our loss.
* The birthday of our loved one. (In the case of infant death or miscarriage, these events may be the same date.)
* In the case of miscarriage or stillbirth, ask our due date and remember it. . .for years to come.
* Our birthday, holidays, especially Mother's Day and Father's Day if we grieve our child or parent.
* If we have no living children, it is even more important to remember Mothers and Fathers Days.

Do not avoid speaking of our loved one. We really want to talk about him or her.

Do not fear you will remind us of our loss, for it is always with us.

If we do not feel up to discussing our loved one or grief, accept our feelings and move on to another topic.

If you wish to do something beyond offering us your friendship and ear, make a donation to a specific cause. For example, if our child or parent died of a certain disease, a donation to a research foundation that studies that disease will have very special significance.

Release a balloon in memory of our loved one, and write us a note that you did this.

If nothing comes to mind and you wish to do something, donate a book to the public library in memory of our loved on. We will be happy to know that the library patrons are reading of our special person and remembering them with us.

Be patient with us. We will not be better all at once. We will seem better then we will seem worse. We will seem at peace then we will be suddenly angry. In fact, we may never be the same again. Please don't expect us to be. And please please do not suggest that we should.

But most of all, pray for and with us. More than any other gesture, we will find comfort in your prayers and presence.

Remember that for every person on the planet and every situation imaginable, there is a different response and grief journey.

This is about the loss of Hope. She died sometime in May of 2004 in her momma's womb, for no known reason. For those of you who have never experienced the loss of a baby, or a child, or any of your loved ones, this will help you walk along side someone who has and is now in a dark place. You can't go there. In fact, you will prefer to walk away and forget about it. But your friend must live with this always. Buck up and offer yourself to one who has lost everything.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

All You Need To Say

So a lot of people just don't know what to say to me, so I figured I would help everyone out. The OB/GYN Doctor that I was seeing up until the birth of Emilyn and Hailey called and talked to me last night, and he had the perfect response so I'll share it with you with a little background. I've been seeing this Doctor for the past year, with on average about one appointment a month, sometimes more. We had been dealing with fertility issues and then my pregnancy with Emilyn and Hailey, so we "knew" eachother pretty well, at least as much as a doctor and patient can know eachother. I was supposed to be medevac'd off island at 24 weeks to give birth in a place that has a NICU, and at my last happy appointment about four days before they were born everything was fine, but he realized it would be the last time he saw me and said he wouldn't even be able to be there for the birth and see the girls after all that work he put in. So I promised him pictures of the girls, not the birth (lol!). We never thought it would be so soon. Four days later I went into labor, but he still wasn't able to be there because he had just left for vacation. Thankfully God knew just what I needed and gave me another wonderful doctor that took great care of me and explained everything that was happening and everything that may happen. So at my appointment yesterday I brought a packet for my original Doctor. I had my favorite pictures of the girls and a description of their little personalities, my little kickboxer and ballerina, their birth/passing announcement, and memorial service program. I didn't see him that day, but he called me that night. This was his response...

"I'm sorry, I don't have words, it just sucks"

it made me laugh (on the inside), it was so him and it was perfect. That is all that I need. So if you don't know what to say but want to say something, that's all I need to hear, "i'm sorry, i don't have the words, and it just sucks" because yeah, it does suck and thank you for saying you're sorry to hear about them. I would rather you say that, than the first thing that pops into your mind and have it be hurtful. Believe me, I've gotten my fair share of hurtful comments even though the people don't mean them to be, they mean the best but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Anyway, I had my six week follow up appointment yesterday with the doctor that delivered Emilyn and Hailey. She cleared me for all activity, with no limitations. So scuba diving here I come! We gotta get my mom diving sometime!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

How Can I Have a Memorial Service? Because They Are My Daughters

I have been told that I am brave for going through with a memorial for Emilyn and Hailey. My question to those who tell me that is how can I not have a memorial? They are my daughters, and deserve to be remembered whether I am comfortable with it or not. I would rather not have to do this, but it is something that I want to do to honor them. Whether they lived only in my belly, only for a couple of hours outside my belly or for ten years they are still my daughters and they lived. They lived in my belly for five whole months, and they already had their own personalities. I figure my Emilyn Elisabeth was always twisting and turning, she was going to be a ballerina and such a little girly girl! Then there was my sweet Hailey Grace that was always kicking and punching, she was going to be my little kickboxing champion and a tomboy just like her Momma was! Then they were born and they were such fighters. Emilyn lived outside my belly for 1 hour 1 minute, and even moved a little to turn her head to Mommy and Daddy! Hailey Grace, born an hour and three minutes after Emilyn, lived outside my belly for 1 hour 59 minutes and even took a deep breath so Mommy and Daddy could see! So you see, my daughters lived, for five months in my belly, though only a few hours outside. How can I not have a memorial? It's not that I am brave, it's just something that has to be done because it is what they deserve. Following are a couple of poems that I will have laid out at their memorial service later today.

Twin Angels

Last night two little angels
Came and whispered in my ear.
And this is what they told me
"Don't worry Mummy, we're right here.
It feels like a long time
Since we last felt your touch.
And we wanted you to know
We miss you and Daddy so very much.
We know that you love us
and think of us every day.
And it makes us very sad
that we had to go away.
But we know that our memory
will never ever die.
And we know that sometimes
when you think of us you cry.
But don't worry Mummy
There's so much here to do.
And every day remember
We are watching over you."
Then my angels kissed me
As tears rolled down my face.
And I knew we'll all be together again
Another time. Another place.

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be “goodbye.”
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realized God loves children… Angels are hard to find.

This poem is one that I found on the website of another mom who lost her sweet angel girls a few months before me. It is one that went along with what was going through my mind after some reactions I received when I told people that I lost my daughters.

Don't Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my girls are in a better place,
Though it is true, I want them here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear their voice, see their face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact they are gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say their names,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

My Little Angel Girls