Thursday, December 1, 2011

Two Years

It has been a full two years since I held my daughters safely in my belly.  A full two years since I felt Emilyn dancing around on bottom, and Hailey kicking and jabbing up top.  Since I had the pure innocence knowing that sometime in March or April I would be bringing my girls home because things always go perfectly in pregnancy.  Since I cradled their tiny bodies, caressed their oh so soft cheeks, and kissed their cold little button noses.  I long with all of my being to go back to those precious moments to get in one more snuggle, one more kiss, one more picture, even if only for a second.

Those first few weeks and months after losing the girls were unimaginable.  I was hit with wave after wave of grief, only getting enough time between them to just barely catch my breath.  Then after about three months, I started getting a little more time to breathe.  A little more time to recover.  A little more time to feel more like myself.  I started smiling more, enjoying things more, and living again.

Now, two years on, there has been so much healing.  I am no longer a shell of myself, I'm me, the new me.  I can think of Emilyn and Hailey and smile.  I can look at baby girls most of the time without pain, I no longer cringe at the sight of them and pretend they aren't there.  I still ache every time I see twin babies, and hear the word twins though.  But now I can see older twins and not hurt.  I saw twin girls that are turning seven in a few days, smiled and wondered what that life must be like, without pain.  I don't cry every day for them, or even every month.  But the pain does come back, and I do cry, and I'm okay with that.  I've embraced it.  Despite the all of the healing that is happened, the wound will never be completely gone.  Time just doesn't heal certain wounds.


tiff said...

i love this is written(typed) with so much maturity & honesty...i know i am not even close to understanding or relating, but do know that you are loved & your girls will NEVER be forgotten!!!!