Thursday, November 10, 2011

God Answered My Prayers Too

I'm not a very religious person.  I don't go to church, I've only gone a handful of times since I was twelve.  But I do believe in God.  And I believe he is there for me whenever I need, and that he answers prayers.  I believe that my girls are in Heaven, and that when I die I will see them again.  I hope that I will get to see them grow up from the tiny babies I knew.  I will always miss not seeing their first smile, first day at Kindergarten or their college graduation.  I was mad at God after losing the girls, pissed beyond belief.  Someone told me I could not be mad at him.  I replied that yes I could, he can handle it, he's God!!  Anyway, one of the things in particular bothered me in the days after losing the girls was seeing people who had their child live, and said "God answered my prayers, he is good!"  Or "Have faith, and God will answer your prayers!"  Things like that were a little twist of the knife already in my heart.  It says that, because they prayed hard enough, God answered their prayers and saved their child.  Which also implies that the reason that he didn't save my girls is because I didn't pray hard enough, or believe strong enough.  In discussions with a dear angel mommy friend of mine, she hit the nail on the head, and also shared a link that I'll post below.  People saying the above are both right and wrong.  God didn't answer their prayers because they believed enough, or prayed hard enough.  He just answered their prayers with a yes.  God answered my prayers too.  He just said no, or not now.  He didn't kill them, he just didn't give me the miracle I so desperately wanted.  I will never know his reasoning, nor do I really care because no reason here on earth could make losing my girls ok.  But he did answer my prayer too, regardless of if it was the answer I wanted or not.  I also prayed that if my girls were going to die anyway, to just take them then instead of having me sit in the hospital for weeks on end only for them to go into the NICU and get poked, prodded and hurt only to die anyway.  To that, he said yes.


Anonymous said...

my son's 16 year old friend said it best, "God did answer your prayer, just not with what you wanted, but he gave your son a life we can only dream of, free from sickness, disease, heartache and this world, he gave him a golden ticket to heaven, now that's something to be jealous of". When my son explained to me this was what his friend said to him, I was deeply moved. So I say to you, I stand with you, our babies are in heaven and they've been spared the life we know, in the blink of an eye we'll be there to watch them grow. I believe with you. I do.

Jess said...

this is beautifully written