Six Months in Heaven

It has been six full months since I last held my daughters Emilyn and Hailey in my arms, six months since I kissed their sweet little cheeks, lips, and noses, six months since my life as I knew it ended.

My sweet Emilyn and Hailey, I love you so much. Not a second goes by that I'm not thinking about you and wishing that you were here with me. I often wonder what you would be doing now if you hadn't gone to heaven. You would be about a month and a half by now and we would be just getting into somewhat of a routine. I so wish I could go back to that horrible day so I could give you just one more kiss, one more stroke of your cheeks, one more everything. You were and are my entire world, I love you, thank you for choosing me to be your mommy.
Love, Mommy

One Proud Momma!

I got a 2 am wake up call, and I have to say I think it was the best wake up call ever. My brother insisted on calling me, even though it was 2 am our time. Today was the March for Babies in Oklahoma City, where the majority of my team was walking at. At the end of the ceremony they announced the awards. Much to my families' (and my) surprise, we won an award! We won for the "Most Outstanding New Family Team" you can see the video of my parents accepting the award at the link below. My mom had to be told to go up, she was in shock and couldn't move from where she was standing. They started the video right as they finished announcing my team had won.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydiXbzkuhh0

My family after accepting the award


I'm so proud of my girls! If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't have been so involved with the March of Dimes like I am now, especially since there isn't a branch out here yet! I so wish that I was there with all of my family walking today, but hopefully I will be able to be there next year!

Most of the OKC crew, I think there were a couple missing from here, but here's the majority of them!


Cool Uncle Matt and Aunt Katie


My mom, Amanda (Katie's sister) and Amanda's twin boys Austyn and Tyler

Amanda found the perfect balloons for the walk! She found butterflies that were attached, so they were twin butterflies, perfect! She wrote the girls' names on them and also got a few other balloons with notes to the girls. At the end of the walk my family released the balloons. Such an awesome day, I wish I could have been there!

All the Little Fallen Angels and Preemies Honored

Following is a listing of all of the babies that were honored at the first annual Boonie Walk for Babies. I tried to separate a little the angel babies and the NICU grads, though a few I wasn't sure about so forgive me for any mistakes. It brought tears to my eyes to see all of the precious angels in heaven. I am keeping each and everyone of you close in my thoughts whether your loss was recent or long in the past.

Baby Absher One
Baby Absher Two
Angel Baby Bunyea: July 4, 2007
Baby Flick
Ashley Marie: May 19, 1992-June 22, 1992
Baby Katchka: March 2010
Baby Tinsha King: July 1998
Gianna Elizabeth Marseglia: July 2, 2007
Kathryn Grace Mongillo: January 11, 2009
Baby Mongillo: September 2007
Baby Kyle Owen: 2008
Baby Kevin Owen: 2008
Baby Pomeroy: July 9, 2007
Baby Bear Ramirez
Baby Ramsdell
Emilyn Elisabeth Schulz: November 30, 2009
Hailey Grace Schulz: November 30, 2009
Baby Tillman
Angel Baby Trandell: August 4, 2007
Baby Trejo
Baby Trout
Baby Jose Valdez
Baby Vines
Baby Weikerts
Baby Williams: November 2008
Taylor Renee
Natalya Hamblen
Annabelle Sanabia: 33 weeks
Isabelle Sanabia: 33 weeks

First Annual Boonie Walk for Babies

Our first annual boonie walk for babies was such a success! We had just over 100 people turn out to show their support for all the little angels! I cannot say enough how proud I am of my daughters, they are touching the lives of so many people day after day. While this event was a very emotional one for me, I am so very happy that we decided to go through with it and plan on having one next year. It will be bigger and better than ever in 2011!

734 AMS, Charles' squadron turning out to show their support!


Team Our Angels Emilyn and Hailey!


Me trying to give my speech. I had to stop a few times to gather myself, but Maryann was wonderful and jumped right in! My original speech was trashed the second I stood up to talk, but I think between the two of us we did pretty good!


Us with our little butterflies


Our littlest team member having some fun before the walk, she was such a trooper!


It's go time!


Me with some of the girls after the walk!

Five months without my sweet angels

Today we have been missing our sweet babies for five very long months. Not a second goes by that they are not in our hearts and on our mind. Mommy and Daddy love you both so much Emilyn and Hailey!

Due

Today was my due date, it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. The day my daughters were to be born at their full 40 weeks alive, well, healthy and happy. But that's not reality. Reality is they were born 19 weeks and 3 days ago. Reality is they won't be lain down in their cribs to sleep tonight, they were lain to rest that day back in November. I miss them both so much. We spent today delivering baby blankets and caps to the US Naval Hospital where I delivered at as well as Guam Memorial Hospital where I work at to both the NICU and L/D floors for the preemies and babies that grow their wings and go to heaven before they have even had a chance. I've got pictures of that at my 365 blog

www.twinbittersweetmemories.blogspot.com

After that we went to Ritidian beach to release the balloons and then to Tarague Overlook to do something that was requested of us by my mother in law, releasing a bit of her hair at a beautiful spot while reading a note to the girls.

Us with the balloons. We wrote little notes to them on the pink mylar ones.





Releasing the hair, if you look close you can see the B2 in the background of the sky.

Releasing Their Balloons

Heaventree Cherry Blossom Candle I lit for my girls tonight.

The Reality of My Life

When I sit down and think about the reality of my life now, I am left speechless, almost thoughtless. It is incomprehensible that I am now living the life I am living. If you had asked me a year ago if in the next year I would get pregnant, find out it was twins, deliver them prematurely knowing they would die, and then hold them as they their hearts beat that last deafening beat I would have told you no, you’re crazy. There is no way I will have been pregnant, we’ve been trying a year already with no success. Let alone with twins, we can’t get pregnant with one, how will we manage two! Premature? No way! I was born two weeks late, us Johnston/Taylor women are made to carry healthy full term big fat babies! My babies died because they were born way too early? That’s not possible. That doesn’t happen to anyone anymore, doctors are miracle workers, they can stop any labor in any circumstances long enough to get the baby to “viability”. Babies don’t just die, they just don’t. Oh the innocence I had back then. I had no fear going to the hospital. I was a little worried about maybe having to be admitted and put on bedrest, but I had no fear for my babies, they were going to be alright. I was joking with the nurse about having to get yet another refund for my trip to Atlanta if I was put on bedrest. It wasn’t until the doctor told me that I was already dilated to 4-5 cm with a bulging amniotic sac that I grasped the reality. The reality that babies do die, that babies were born too soon to be “viable,” that doctors couldn’t always be miracle workers. It was in that instant, when the words “four to five centimeters with baby a’s amniotic sac bulging” that I lost innocence, my babies were going to die, I knew right away, without her having to tell me. Though I had that innocence before, at that point my nursing knowledge came back to me, and I forever lost that naivety. I pretended to have hope, was even dreading having to be there on bedrest for at least three more weeks, but in my heart I knew. I knew that I and my daughters were now a statistic, we were now included in the 12.8 percent, or half a million babies that are born prematurely each year, and the 6 percent of those born prematurely to be born before 28 weeks gestation. Figure that out, I and my daughters are one of the 0.768 percent of all babies born to be born that soon. Despite how small that number is, it is still too high. Anything above zero is too high when it comes to babies born prematurely.

So here I sit today. A full four months after my daughters were born and my eyes are now open, wide open. I have met many many wonderful women through the march of dimes, we all have very different stories, but the basic story is the same. Our babies were born early, too early. Some of them are angel moms like myself, and I feel like we are kindred souls. We can talk, finish each others’ sentences practically, we know what the other person is thinking without them saying it, and we know why they are feeling like that. It is so comforting to be around them, to talk to them, we belong to the angel mommies club, the club no one ever wants to belong to, the club we all hate being in. They are the best friends that I never wanted to know. While I hate that others are feeling the pain of losing their child or children, they give me support, and I would not have come as far in my grief as I have without them. Some of these women still have their children, were able to bring them home. Though it was only after days, weeks, or even months spent visiting their child in the NICU, having to kiss them goodnight and hoping not to receive the dreaded 4 am phone call, telling them something was wrong, their baby was having problems, come to the hospital quick. These moms amaze me as much as my fellow angel moms. The grace with which they handle their individual situations is astounding. They are in and out of the hospital with their little ones. Sometimes they even nurse their child from home, doing what no parent should ever have to do. They have to do dressing changes, administer IV medications, comfort their child when they can’t do things any other “normal” child can do. Things as simple as walking around the house without trailing tubes, or riding a bike, or even running their children are missing out on. Yet they smile, and their kids smile, and have such a joy for life! I am amazed every single day at these women, nursing their children for months, and even years to keep them healthy as they can be. They truly are deserving of the mother of the year award if there ever was one given. Some of these moms brought their children home, sometimes with minor problems, but they were able to escape the long term effects of their prematurity. They are however, forever grateful, because they know that fear. They know the uncertainty that goes along with having a preemie, they know what they almost lost and they rejoice in their healthy little ones. They do not take their children for granted. They are also spectacular mothers.

It is for myself, my daughters, and all the other preemie and NICU moms that I walk in honor of my daughters. That I am organizing a walk to raise awareness and remember my daughters on Guam. That I raise money, to keep this from happening in the future, in the hope that the next generation will be better off. The generation after next will have even lower rates of premature births, birth defects, and infant deaths until the number is zero. The march of dimes has provided me so much support, and so many other mothers support. The money raised will help fund research to keep this from happening again someday. Please, consider walking “with” me, join my march of dimes team and walk at your local walk. Or donate money to the cause, any little bit helps, we’re just raising money one dime at a time to find a cure for this epidemic.

Here is my reality. I am in constant pain. Though now after four months it is no longer the acute, sharp, stabbing pain I became accustomed to. It is more of a chronic pain, dull, aching, and always there. It flairs up once in awhile depending on what situation I am in, or where my thoughts go, but I am able to cope with it. There are a few things that bring on these flair ups. The biggest one is seeing babies. They remind me of what should have been, what I had but were ripped away from me. Every little coo, from baby or adult, shatters my strength. Another thing is pregnant women. I should still be pregnant, but my belly is empty. I am constantly reminded of this every time I see a pregnant woman lovingly stroking her belly. I can’t stroke my daughters like that anymore, and it hurts. So please, understand that it’s not you if I choose to avoid you when you are pregnant or have a baby with you. It’s not that I don’t like you, I just can’t deal with it just yet. I’m still grieving, over my lost daughters, and my lost pregnancy. My reality is that I am a grieving mother, only able to hold my daughters within my heart, not in my arms like I long to do.

www.marchforbabies.org/stacyat