We are hopeful

Most people say we are expecting, but not us. We know loss, and we know better than to say that we are expecting. To say we are expecting is to say that we know in the end that we will have a baby to bring home alive and healthy, but we don’t know that. All we know is that as of this moment in time, there is a little being growing inside of me and that this little one is due to be born on February 26, 2011. It's heartrate is 115 and length is about 6.3 mm which is right where it is supposed to be. We are cautiously hopeful, that this precious little one will be born alive, healthy, and full term.

Most people also wait until after the first trimester to let everyone know. They do this because after the first trimester you’re supposed to be home free, nothing can go wrong from that point. But it can, we know that. So we’re opening up now, to share our moments of joy with our family and friends for as long as possible, which we hope will be a full 40 weeks. But if it’s not, we’ve given those we love an extra six weeks to know and love our precious child.

It is not all going to be joy though, there are going to be many times of anxiousness and worry for our little button. It is during those times that we will need support the most. A lot of you may wonder why we aren’t completely over the moon with joy and happiness all the time. We are, but we are also anxious. We will not rest easy until we bring our button home.

We have decided that I will be moving back home to Oklahoma at the beginning of September so that I can have access to high risk doctors as well as be in a location that has a neonatal intensive care unit, just in case this little one is born a preemie and needs that extra care. As much as Charles and I love each other and want to be near each other we cannot afford to be selfish. This baby deserves the best possible chance at life, and we need to live with no regrets, and Oklahoma will fulfill both of those needs.

The best sound in the world, my baby's heartbeating strong


Amazing how we all start out as a little blob and end up being a perfectly formed human, my little button is about 0.63 cm (averaged between three measurements)


The small blob on the left is our button, the blob on the right with a black center is it's yolk sac.

Six Months in Heaven

It has been six full months since I last held my daughters Emilyn and Hailey in my arms, six months since I kissed their sweet little cheeks, lips, and noses, six months since my life as I knew it ended.

My sweet Emilyn and Hailey, I love you so much. Not a second goes by that I'm not thinking about you and wishing that you were here with me. I often wonder what you would be doing now if you hadn't gone to heaven. You would be about a month and a half by now and we would be just getting into somewhat of a routine. I so wish I could go back to that horrible day so I could give you just one more kiss, one more stroke of your cheeks, one more everything. You were and are my entire world, I love you, thank you for choosing me to be your mommy.
Love, Mommy

One Proud Momma!

I got a 2 am wake up call, and I have to say I think it was the best wake up call ever. My brother insisted on calling me, even though it was 2 am our time. Today was the March for Babies in Oklahoma City, where the majority of my team was walking at. At the end of the ceremony they announced the awards. Much to my families' (and my) surprise, we won an award! We won for the "Most Outstanding New Family Team" you can see the video of my parents accepting the award at the link below. My mom had to be told to go up, she was in shock and couldn't move from where she was standing. They started the video right as they finished announcing my team had won.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydiXbzkuhh0

My family after accepting the award


I'm so proud of my girls! If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't have been so involved with the March of Dimes like I am now, especially since there isn't a branch out here yet! I so wish that I was there with all of my family walking today, but hopefully I will be able to be there next year!

Most of the OKC crew, I think there were a couple missing from here, but here's the majority of them!


Cool Uncle Matt and Aunt Katie


My mom, Amanda (Katie's sister) and Amanda's twin boys Austyn and Tyler

Amanda found the perfect balloons for the walk! She found butterflies that were attached, so they were twin butterflies, perfect! She wrote the girls' names on them and also got a few other balloons with notes to the girls. At the end of the walk my family released the balloons. Such an awesome day, I wish I could have been there!

All the Little Fallen Angels and Preemies Honored

Following is a listing of all of the babies that were honored at the first annual Boonie Walk for Babies. I tried to separate a little the angel babies and the NICU grads, though a few I wasn't sure about so forgive me for any mistakes. It brought tears to my eyes to see all of the precious angels in heaven. I am keeping each and everyone of you close in my thoughts whether your loss was recent or long in the past.

Baby Absher One
Baby Absher Two
Angel Baby Bunyea: July 4, 2007
Baby Flick
Ashley Marie: May 19, 1992-June 22, 1992
Baby Katchka: March 2010
Baby Tinsha King: July 1998
Gianna Elizabeth Marseglia: July 2, 2007
Kathryn Grace Mongillo: January 11, 2009
Baby Mongillo: September 2007
Baby Kyle Owen: 2008
Baby Kevin Owen: 2008
Baby Pomeroy: July 9, 2007
Baby Bear Ramirez
Baby Ramsdell
Emilyn Elisabeth Schulz: November 30, 2009
Hailey Grace Schulz: November 30, 2009
Baby Tillman
Angel Baby Trandell: August 4, 2007
Baby Trejo
Baby Trout
Baby Jose Valdez
Baby Vines
Baby Weikerts
Baby Williams: November 2008
Taylor Renee
Natalya Hamblen
Annabelle Sanabia: 33 weeks
Isabelle Sanabia: 33 weeks

First Annual Boonie Walk for Babies

Our first annual boonie walk for babies was such a success! We had just over 100 people turn out to show their support for all the little angels! I cannot say enough how proud I am of my daughters, they are touching the lives of so many people day after day. While this event was a very emotional one for me, I am so very happy that we decided to go through with it and plan on having one next year. It will be bigger and better than ever in 2011!

734 AMS, Charles' squadron turning out to show their support!


Team Our Angels Emilyn and Hailey!


Me trying to give my speech. I had to stop a few times to gather myself, but Maryann was wonderful and jumped right in! My original speech was trashed the second I stood up to talk, but I think between the two of us we did pretty good!


Us with our little butterflies


Our littlest team member having some fun before the walk, she was such a trooper!


It's go time!


Me with some of the girls after the walk!

Five months without my sweet angels

Today we have been missing our sweet babies for five very long months. Not a second goes by that they are not in our hearts and on our mind. Mommy and Daddy love you both so much Emilyn and Hailey!

Due

Today was my due date, it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. The day my daughters were to be born at their full 40 weeks alive, well, healthy and happy. But that's not reality. Reality is they were born 19 weeks and 3 days ago. Reality is they won't be lain down in their cribs to sleep tonight, they were lain to rest that day back in November. I miss them both so much. We spent today delivering baby blankets and caps to the US Naval Hospital where I delivered at as well as Guam Memorial Hospital where I work at to both the NICU and L/D floors for the preemies and babies that grow their wings and go to heaven before they have even had a chance. I've got pictures of that at my 365 blog

www.twinbittersweetmemories.blogspot.com

After that we went to Ritidian beach to release the balloons and then to Tarague Overlook to do something that was requested of us by my mother in law, releasing a bit of her hair at a beautiful spot while reading a note to the girls.

Us with the balloons. We wrote little notes to them on the pink mylar ones.





Releasing the hair, if you look close you can see the B2 in the background of the sky.

Releasing Their Balloons

Heaventree Cherry Blossom Candle I lit for my girls tonight.